


Atlas of Hell

by Voltiel



Series: Fragments [1]
Category: no fandoms--just depression
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Dark, Depression, Graphic, Horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 01:17:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13730049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voltiel/pseuds/Voltiel
Summary: Small piece in which Voltiel recalls her worst memory.





	Atlas of Hell

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SENSITIVE CONTENT  
> [ Abortion, relationship issues, cheating, depression, self harm. ]

I COME WITH KNIVES.

"It's hard to move forward."

Voltiel sees herself begging for her life. It's dark. She can't remember why she fell in love with Buzz. In that moment, she finally realizes that she had lied to herself. There was no love there. Buzz didn't love her. She was just obsessed. "Yeah. It's hard. Really hard to move forward. I don't know if I really am, anymore. The past is something I dwell too much on." She knew all along, but dwelling on it with Ziau beside her, she can finally see what real love is. "Actually Ziau, he didn't love me. So, with you, it's easy to move past that chapter of my life."

 

_"Just stay with me. Please. I've never slept with someone in my bed through the night. I want that, Buzz. I want it so badly. I want to know what it feels like."_

_"Where did you go? Why didn't you come home after work? Why are you being so distant with me? Am I smothering you?"_

_"I had a nightmare that you left again. Please don't go. Please, don't."_

_That bitterness. When Voltiel laid her eyes on Briony, her heart sank to the pit of hell. That woman. That disgusting parody of herself, in her basement. In her basement, detoxing from heroin. Detoxing from her own personal hell. "She needs a place to stay," Buzz had said. It wasn't long before he asked her to stay there, and then he told Voltiel not to control him. "I want to sleep with other people. I want to sleep with her."_

_"So we can fuck?" Briony asked near the kitchen door, her voice lit at the end, light and nauseating. "Great, problem solved." Voltiel wanted to take the fork from the table and shove it to the back of her eye socket. Twist, and **twist** , and ..._

_Nightmares became a regular thing. When Buzz sopped coming home at night, Voltiel started sleeping with a knife. One for protection. When rumors spread on Twitter that Briony and him were dating behind her back, she slept with two in case he walked into their home with the emaciated, purple haired girl. Voltiel took to sleeping with two knives under her pillow, one tucked beneath each arm. A knife between her thighs, two at her feet. One knife poised at her heart, and one at the side of her bed in case she rolled into Buzz's empty space and fell out of her coffin. She prayed the blade wedged between the floorboards would kill her._

_She always woke up without a single cut._

 

He'd have to hold her at arm's length to get her to listen without trying to hold him against her. Voltiel's single, lonely eye is wide, body petrified. Tears form, her empty socket drumming with a pulsating pain. Like dry heaving, only from a lack of tears instead of bile. "She killed them." Comes her whisper, "they bragged about it." Voltiel is in disbelief. She wants to tell him about Colton. About Kirvi and how she got messages on Twitter the morning Kirvi eloped with Colton. No one had been invited to their wedding. No one knew they were going to get married. But Voltiel knew. She knew it all. Suspected it. Deep down, she believed in her paranoia. And when Kirvi rubbed it in her face, all she could remember was the trail of an umbilical cord still attached to her cunt. The agony of twisted little feet. Maggots, and the skeletal remains of her son hidden under a loose floorboard. While they were celebrating and exchanging gifts, Voltiel was mourning. Every day. Everything fucking hurt like she'd set herself on fire. 

**Fire.**

She knows his pain. Maybe not in the same scenario, but she knows what it's like to lose a child. The cab stops, and her arms reach forward to try and hold onto him again. "Please." She whispers, trembling if she's gotten her hands onto his shoulders. Nails nip against him, biting against his upper arms as her grip slides down, "please tell me that you don't blame yourself for that. For any of that. That ... that you're able to look back on it, and be thankful for the time you spent with them. That in the aftermath of both their lives, you're able to keep on living with the hope that you can have a second chance. A chance at bringing them back, in some form. You will see them again. Not just in death, but there must be ... must be places, that they appear. These ashes that you gave me ... Ziau. I am honored. I am so honored, that you'd give this part of you to me. I won't say that I don't deserve it--even if maybe, I don't. But I want it. I want to carry your sorrow, and show you that there is beauty in it."

 

_It's hot. Sweltering. A hundred and ten degrees._

_Voltiel sits with her back against the wall, twin sized bed at the center of the room. At the other wall, a crate surrounded by mostly empty cups of pudding. Tapioca. It used to be her favorite._

_The trail of blood from the end of the bed to her sprawled legs could be compared to the collapsed vein at the crook of her arm. Blood draws out a grotesque map to a small, writhing body near her feet._

_Atlas of Hell._

_"So, did you like it?" Colton had asked, when Kirvi convinced him that she enjoyed being abused. "Did you lie to me? Were you ever really raped, or did you like it?"_

_Voltiel's hand reaches forward._

_"I think we should shoot for an abortion. I can't keep you safe. Think about how a child would turn out, with a mother like you."_

_Her palm cups against the tiny throat._

_"I would be proud to have Kirvi mother my child."_

_Fingers curl, and squeeze around the infant's neck._

_"I would have ripped that child out myself."_


End file.
